Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
