Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Your cock deserves a montage
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
