I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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