would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
