Joe is yelling at the trees again.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
