Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it hurts more in the daytime
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
