Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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