Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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