I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
