you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
