A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
