I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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