In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
