dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We have so much sex to catch up on
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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