Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize