I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
