dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
