so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
