i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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