Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
