So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
