WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
