Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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