Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
