She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
