I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
