I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My balls are so social today.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
