tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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