when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
