he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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