i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you traded sex for a burrito?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
