He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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