I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
