I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
