jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
