I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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