Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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