There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
