Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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