Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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