My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
