my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You took a bar mat shot.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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