My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
