Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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