And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
