someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
