I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
