She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
