the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
