We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
