We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
