My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
