Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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