I think I am morally bankrupt
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
