sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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