i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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