how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
