you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
