The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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