I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
